| all things must end |
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| 11:38am 29/01/2007 |
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mood:  melancholy music: maria's tejano
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I am no longer posting in this journal. I might keep it for a while but eventually I will delete it. It served me well, but my life is so different now than when I started it, it began to feel cumbersome.
My new journal: http://the-paasenger.livejournal.com/ will be for me to talk about and deal with some very big things happening in my life right now, good and bad. There will be fair amount of bitching, and alot of: "ho-hum, this is how I feel today and this is what happened and this is what I think about it"
My life is not super exciting anymore. we travel quite a bit and I am a mom which provides me hilarity on a daily basis, but other than that...
Whoever is now on my friends list and wants to contiue on the other, add me and I will most likely add you back. |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| My favorite time of year |
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| 11:57am 28/10/2006 |
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mood:  gloomy music: air conditoner rattle
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It's Halloween and I have nowhere to go. No parties, no dress up...nuthin'
Guess that is what happens when you are a parent, because we decorated the house, and Stella is going trick or treating on Halloween night, that is my halloween now. It is OK, really it is, I am super duper excited about taking her out...I just wish I had an adult party with adult beverages and adult conversation, oh, and an excuse to wear a costume.
My mom came, and brought Kronos, I think that is bothering me to. Can't stand the thought of him in a little box. Better than the ground though.
Gah, now I am just depressing myself. Maybe I'll dress up to take Stella out... |
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Read 6 - Post |
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| Fuuuccckkk |
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| 10:40am 05/10/2006 |
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mood:  grumpy music: sesame street
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I am so hungry. I am sick and tired of thinking about food. I obsses about food the way someone with an eating disorder does. Maybe I have a kind of eating disorder cause I sure as fuck can't seem to eat like a normal person. What will I eat? will I satify my cravings or be healthy, why, oh why does it feel like my happiness depends on nachos or hagen daz...or eating all raw all day? will my jeans fit looser today since I ate nothing but raw macademia nuts, bannana and grilled salmon yesterday (actually yes) but will I make through today and manage to
a) Drink all my water
b) eat
c) eat like I'm supposed to in moderation without swinging between two extremes, such as nothing but fruit and espresso or...french fries with a side of pizza
I have ten fucking pounds to go...it shouldn't be this hard. Of course the first twenty has taken me almost 6 months. And then what? I get pregnant again!
This, people, is why I need a job, so I can think about something other than food and...well...how much food. |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| umm yeah... |
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| 11:10am 27/09/2006 |
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mood:  cheerful music: balkan beat box
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Steve and I are thinking about having another bebe. Not thinking, we are, just haven't started trying. There is much preparation to be done. We are going to try for a boy with the 'choose the sex' method. Basically you time intercourse with ovulation in such a way that you are more likely to have one or the other.
I don't much care what we have, and Steve really wants a boy, that whole italian, macho, 'carry on the family name' thing. So there we go.
Stella is thriving, there are new pics up at her website. She is babbeling, walking (running) getting into everything, ignoring my 'no's, testing limits, throwing tantrums, and making various animals noises. She is a total ham like her dad and loves attention like me.
Check out my cute pink hair extentions. I think I'll be blond next.
Our house is up for sale but in this market, we won't be going anywhere soon. That's fine we are in no rush and we hate to leave our fabulous neighborhood and stunning view. But we do need more roon eventually and Steve is sick to death of commuting.
I am sick to death of being a stay at home mom, but can't seem to decide what I want to do (be) now, with a family. Any suggestions? |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| one year |
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| 07:30am 24/06/2006 |
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mood:  content music: noisy baby toy
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yesterday, Stella's first birthday. We had a great day.
The first six weeks felt like forever. Was I ever going to sleep again? was I ever going to see my toes again? was I ever going to get to go to a movie or have sex with my husband again? was I ever going to wear cute bras again? most importantly was I ever going to go out to bar and get drunk with friends again?
Now a year later and it seems like the time has flown by. And I've realized a few things. -Sleep is absolutly vital to MY mental/emotional health. 10 months of sleep depravation/interruption is seriously damaging. It will remain the worst part about having a barnd new baby.
-I can (and do) see my toes again. It will be much harder to achive than before I had another person to care for. And just a smidgen less important than it was before.
-A movie is a rare a precious comodity that should not be wasted on brain cell wasting drivel like 'Silent Hill'. And sometimes it's ok to have sex with a baby playing on the floor next to the bad. And often it's the only way.
-cute bras are really uncomfortable.
-Getting drunk with friends at a bar is way overrated after you become a parent. but on very rare occasions a good thing to remind you, you are an adult human, not just a 'mother'.
wow, I'm really a mom. |
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Read 8 - Post |
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| Head...going...to...explode |
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| 09:41am 04/05/2006 |
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mood:  aggravated music: Goldfrapp-ohlalala
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Can someone please explain to me how a whole host of cough*self-righteous*cough mothers would be pro-choice and yet be ALLLL for banning the sale of formula or making it available only by perscription?
I realize this is a pointless and hypotheical question to be posting in my OWN journal since I have, oh, two other mothers on my friends list. But it just makes me so very furious. Everything possible needs to be done to encourage breastfeeding, education, support, resources. And I also think that formula should be last option. But it is the MOTHERS decsion.
I guess I just fail to see how someone is ok with one kind of choice but the other kind is unacceptable. Oh..right...hypocrite. |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| ahhh ennui |
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| 05:31pm 21/04/2006 |
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mood:  cranky music: Madonna-confessions
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we have date night tonight. A baseball game. I want a date night that would be fun for ME! Something involving cocktails and throbbing bass.
For what seems like the fivehundreth week in row I had plans to go to dance class. Didn't happen this week for very good reason, but still frustrating to be ready to start dancing again and...just...not...
I am on a diet, to lose that last 15-20 lbs. by Stella's B-day to get me back to my pre-pregnancy weight. It's making me very cranky. I want a fucking martini and some ice cream. not together.
Watching the news last night was seriously disturbing. I have the evening news on every night while I make dinner. I usually don't listen. Last night...
-A girl scout leader got ONE YEAR in jail for fondaling (sp) twice in one night a friend of his daughters who was IN THE SAME bed as his daughter. Max sentance could have been eight years. he got ONE.
-Memorial service in the midwest for a seven year old girl, who was murdered, by some guy who had sex with her corpse and then tried to eat the body.
-Some old geezer in Florida was arrested for giving free breast exams. Shit you not, someone noticed something was up when he didn't use gloves. Maybe the fact that he going DOOR TO DOOR might have been the first clue.
add to that all the screwy weather and the approaching bird flu, I fear for my daughters future.
But what really makes me cranky is the unbealivably outrageously horrible week I have had. Surely I have now paid some karmic debt. Please please let it be so, beacause I need some good. |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| 07:25am 17/04/2006 |
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mood:  amused music: water splashing, giggling
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Stella has discovred Kronos's food table. He has his water and food bowl on a little stand and she is tall enough and pulling up for it to be the perfect level to play. Right now she is over there covred in water, splashing around, with handfuls of dry dog food in her mouth chewing away. Water and food scattred all over the floor, banging the bowles around. Since she figured out how much fun this was last week, we (mostly me) have been keeping her away and telling her no. But ya know what? I don't care right now and she is having so much fun and it is the cutest thing ever and hell, she is on a fruit only kick right now so if she can get some extra protein from dog food so be it.
In the theme of this post I have to add that she is non-stop hilarity right now. Exploring and discovering and being so responsive and interactive. Who babies could be so ENTERTAINING. At least once a day she can make me laugh out loud. |
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Read 14 - Post |
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| Oh Canada... |
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| 07:28am 29/03/2006 |
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mood:  groggy
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We are off to Toronto tomorrow morning. I am excited and nervous.
Excited:
Great City with Great Food
Lots of shopping (oh H&M, I feel like kid on christmas morning)
Traveling with Stella, challenging but should be fun
Cold weather
Nervous:
Meeting both sides of Steves Italian/Jamacian family. Huge Family. Gigantic. Me, almost only child (sis is ten yrs younger), not used to huge loud chaotic family gatherings. Plus there will much handling of Stella which gets her riled up, and much questioning of when will the next one be?
Right now the excited part is winning out. I always love traveling anyway. regardless of the reason. |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| yes, you want to see it! |
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| 10:52am 05/03/2006 |
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mood:  cold music: Nina Simone
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Russian Vampire flick 'Night Watch'
very very good. Unfortunatly my brain was so exhausted all the crazy CG and Camera angles made me feel like my eyeballs were twitching.
Next day, the more I think about it, the more I am impressed.
Good if you like things like 'Dark City' 'City of lost Children' 'After Dark' and so forth but it is in a class its own. Part one of a triliogy. |
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Post |
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| motherhood, the new clique |
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| 12:07pm 12/02/2006 |
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mood:  accomplished music: Ladytron
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So just when you thought you were over all the trauma of high school here comes parenthood.
Since many of my friends don't have kids (probably don't want 'em either), let me explain.
In that rosy time between deciding to breed and actually popping one out I had some very definite and somewhat romantic notions of the kind of mother I would be. Well, there were two phases to that, the one before I met the father of my child and the one after. Lets focus on the time before I met my sig. other, just because that is the ideal as I had no compromises to make. I would cloth diaper, make my own baby food, and my child would never touch a stroller until they were old enough to walk. And of course I would breastfeed, until twelve months, and s/he would sleep with me until they were old enough to decide they didn't want to.
But most importantly their childhood would be similar to mine, surround by an extended family made up of friends; all artists, musicians, intellectuals and expats. I would live in some Central/Eastern European country, in some rambling, decaying old house in some random, decaying but refurbished city, where the winters are brutal and dark and the summers are glorious and sweat soaked. My child would grow up surrounded by second and third languages, and at night I would read him/her to sleep with Locke, Camus and Kundera.
Whew I am exhausted just thinking about it all.
Needless to say that is not how things turned out. And as I slowly come out of the fog of post-partum depression and start to wake up to the joy I have created, I have to look at what did I want and what did I achieve. Damm near none of it.
Breastfeeding was a disaster at best; I pumped until 6 months and have frozen until probably nine months. Stella only had my actual nipple in her mouth for the first two days; from then on it was a silicone nipple shield and eventually a bottle. Co-sleeping lasted 6 weeks and the cloth diapering was vetoed right of the bat, both a 'compromise' with my sig.oth. Organic jar food is just as good as mine and a helluva lot easier, to be fair, I tried, for about a week to make my own. She is just too damm wriggly for a sling and ya know, she just seems to dig Green Eggs and Ham more than the Second Treatise on Civil Government.
Why do I explain all this? In part for my own confessional sake. But importantly to make some observations. Here is the first of two points I want to make. As I saw my ideals slipping out the window, replaced by the harsh reality of a baby who at birth knew exactly what and how she wanted things, I realized that parenthood is well and truly about sacrifice. But more than that, I realized I just didn't care.
Here is why. The most important thing of all. We have a happy healthy baby. I mean really happy. She lights up a room, draws attention and almost never cries, except when she is hungry. I am biased, yes but strangers tell us all the time how happy and beautiful she is. So we are doing something right. And in the throes of my pp depression I beat myself up everyday for what I didn't do right instead of seeing what I WAS doing right. And I'm not sure if someone who hasn't been through it can comprehend what an absolute joy it is to be proud of MYSELF and the mother I am becoming.
But here is the kicker, I AM judged by other mothers, not for my baby, or how happy/healthy she is, but for what I do or don't do. Which I used to worry about, but now, fuck, get over yourself. Worry about your own and IF you are going to worry about mine, just look at her. Do you really think it matters that she is in a stroller rather than a sling, if she is so happy and so well socialized.
I am friends with two other mommies I met in pre-natal yoga. We encompass the spectrum on parenting methods, and we don't judge each other, ever. But I am hesitant to go hang out at the playground to make other mommy friends or take in a mommy and me class, because I don't want to deal with the rejection. I have twice now met and talked with two mommies, we hit it off well but I never make plans because I am nervous. And I can sense their fear as well. What a horrible thing, that we as mothers who are isolated and harried and exhausted, and who need the support of each other, are the first to push each other away because of choices. It boggles my mind, really.
Oh and by the way. I live in a beautiful city, just this side of paradise, in a decaying but refurbished house. The winters are non-existent and the summers are glorious and sweat-soaked. And I am surround by family and friends who speak second and third languages and are artists, and intellectuals, and business people. And so I have the most important piece of the puzzle. |
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Read 13 - Post |
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| Tonight while driving |
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| 10:34pm 08/01/2006 |
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mood: melancholy music: Wonderwall-Ryan Adams
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I heard a song, a song that reminded me...
of standing on the balcony of a mountain chateau, in a night so dark all you could see was the bonfire, drinking cheap russian champagne straight from the bottle, feeling like my life was, finally, about to start. Surrounded by strangers with one thing in common, that corner of the earth.
And I cried, I pulled the car over and sobbed, because lately I just miss it so much.
and then I remembered more, like the smell of fresh snow and soot mixed,
sunrise on fresh rinsed cobblestone and pigeons and trumpet blasts,
my favorite bar(s) after closing and warmish beer and cold vodka,
old old women wrapped in rags selling bras,
hot bitter coffee and doughy dumplings and milk bars that smelled like old sweat,
a 3 am Kronos walk turning into a 3 hour walk in the new snow around the whole Planty, without seeing a single other person and feeling like the city was all ours for just those few moments in the wintry pale silence.
Funny the whole began with a mountain chateau and ended with one. |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| Why? |
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| 12:15pm 29/11/2005 |
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mood:  exhausted music: silence
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I love you with all my heart, and I know you get as frustrated as I do with not being able to communicate, but why?
-Why do you scream for the third (fourth, fifth, sixth) time in a night, when your not hungry or dirty...
-why do you push and kick and fight and squirm when I do come rushing in to pick you up?
-why do you fight against being swaddled, but wail when you feel yourself being put down without it?
-why do you insist, with that short barking squawk (that is so sweet), that you are hungry only to turn your head away when given a bottle?
-why do you yammer for attention when put on the floor (in swing in bouncy chair) only to push and kick in the way that tells me you don't want to be held when I pick you up?
-and most of why, oh god why, do you poop the minute I get done changing your diaper?
I think I know why, is is because the world is such a big huge scary place that you are just now becoming aware of, and most of the time, right now you just don't know what you want, because you are starting to have an inking that you have a choice in the matter (cause and effect happens at around 6-9 months)? I think maybe so. And I love that you are good at communicating, and I at understand/reading you.
But today I am just so tired and so worn out and despite what my rational mind tells me, I have to ask, why do you these things that make me crazy? |
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Read 11 - Post |
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| clarification |
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| 06:00pm 13/11/2005 |
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mood:  embarrassed music: kronos lapping water
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I just realized in my last entry I talked about homosexuality as being as choice. Um I didn't mean it that way. I firmly believe that people are gay from birth. In other words it is not a choice, but wired into ther bioology just like me being straight. When I wrote the entry I was thinking specifically of the issue of homosexual marriage which is a choice. |
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| babies do the grossest things... |
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| 08:07pm 11/11/2005 |
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mood:  loved
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Earlier tonight, Stella threw up in my mouth. Most. disgusting. thing. ever.
I once had a very drunk ex ALMOST throw up in my mouth, but luckily he wasn't so drunk he couldn't turn away in time.
How exactly then does a child vomit in their mothers mouth you might ask? Weeelll lemme tell ya.
We were playing flybaby where, well I lift her overhead and zoom her around like an airplane and squeal "flybeebee" and she giggles with sheer delight. Of course I'm looking up at her and she down at me. And with the tossing around one can get a little queasy....and you can imagine the rest...
and in other fun stuff...christmas wishlists...( Read more... ) |
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| 06:25pm 03/10/2005 |
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mood:  blah
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It has been forever since I last updated, but there is only so much excitment going in my life right now...
not to say my life is boring, far from it, I just imagine not everyone wants to hear about all the amazing wonderful adorable things Stella does every day...like how she went from grabbing her rings, to grabbing them and bringing them to her mouth, how in the morning, I go into her room, because I can her waking up on the monitor, and she breaks into the biggest grandest smile that lights up her eyes and her face, as she sees me peeking over the crib edge, and I feel like I will burst from all the love I feel.
Ahhh the joys of new mommyhood...
In the meantime I did get a new car, that is exciting! I got a Mazda 3, in the 'strato blue' which is a very cool fun blue/purple color. I am really super excited about the Sirrius radio I am getting installed, never have to listen to the radio again!
annnnd that is about it...like I said, not very interesting except to me. Oh and go check out her website, new pic's and boy is she cute...my personal fave...( Read more... ) |
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| 02:32pm 26/08/2005 |
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mood:  lazy music: stella's white noise machine
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stella is napping...
she is sleeping 5-6 hours a night and a 3 hour nap in the afternoon. WHEW!!!!
what a relief.
i was getting a little loopy with long term exhaustion...sleeping at most 4 hours at a time really wears on you after almost two months.
she is growing at a ridiclous rate, 13.6 lbs at two months. must be all that yummy good mommy milk. and she is a very cute little girl, I'm a bit biased but wow, I feel pretty lucky on the whole she is pretty good, and so very smart.
and she smiles and giggles at me, it's great! what an amazing feeling! your whole world lights up...
with the exception of those times, i am dealing with some pretty severe post-partum depression. If it wasn't for steve, my world would be much more darker place. annnnd other than that I am going back to one dance class a week, next month i will up it two. the weight is coming off sloooowwwwly, but it is coming off.
today is a good day, i will leave it at that |
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| 10:04pm 20/07/2005 |
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mood:  optimistic music: steve and stella snoring
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Today I went and got my hair done, and then I went shopping for new non-maternity clothes. Stella was with our doula while I was at the salon; and steve and she and I all went to the mall together. It felt good to do something with her outside of the house.
I am no where near my pre-pregnancy weight and that was a little irritating. But the point is, I left the house for the first time in four weeks, to go somewhere besides the doctors!
Those of you who know me well must know how hard it was to be in lock down for so long (remeber the bedrest?!)
Stella is thriving and growing and such a good beautiful perfect baby, and more important we are getting into a routine and I am starting to belive that my life will be normal (for me) again soon with just one signifigant and beautiful addition.
I am starting to think I can do this after all.... |
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| 06:14pm 16/07/2005 |
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mood: exhausted
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I am exhausted and still recovering after a nasty infection that put me back in the hospital and an opened and weeping inscion, on top of new mother lack of sleep.
so needless to say that is the extent of my life right now and not much time or inclination to update...
more when I am feeling better, in the meantime check out her very own website at www.stellavalenti.com for pic's! |
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kahlidancer's journal
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